Sunday, April 24, 2011

"I didn't know whores observe religious holidays"

said a prospective client when I told him I was off for the weekend.

Why can't people just accept when they don't get their way and be nice?

"Actually, I am always off on weekends because I am a mother and I have another job. Take care and Happy Easter." (you horrible human being, I felt like adding but didn't because I refuse to say mean things to people even when they deserve it. Yes, I do want a medal, thanks.)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Teacher Fetish

As far as fetishes go, teacher/student is pretty common. I haven't kept a log or anything, but I'd guess it to be my third most popular request (foot fetish and spanking (me spanking them) being first and second, respectively.)

What I find amusing is that the fantasy that they ask for is always about the same and yet I never in all my years of being a student either had or even knew of a teacher that even remotely fit the stereotype in either dress or behavior. Where did boys get this from? It's that damn Van Halen video, isn't it? No. It goes back further than that, I'm sure. That video was smoking hot though, wasn't it?

I don't want to write a dissertation on the teacher/librarian fantasy thing though, I just want to tell you about my appointment yesterday.

I don't usually do out-calls, but I have seen him before and I knew where he worked so I felt comfortable going to his house. I dressed the part (white blouse, buttoned all the way up, tight black skirt, heels, hair in a bun, glasses, etc.) His fantasy was the same as every other teacher fantasy, but he went out of his way to make it as real as possible. I mean he really took it to a whole other level that I had never seen before. He actually had a student desk, a chalk board with chalk and erasers, a backpack full of books and everything. He even had gold star stickers. Gold fucking stars. What age was he supposed to be, anyway? I didn't want to know. He's thirty-something in real life and that's good enough for me.

I had to teach him a lesson of my choosing. Naturally, my subject was "common spelling mistakes": your/you're, to/too/two, there/they're, its/it's, whose/who's, etc. Hey, no reason I can't really teach him something while I'm there, right? He listened and took notes. I praised him for being such a good student. Then he flirted with me and I had to "put him in his place" and give him a warning. He sassed back just as the bell rang and I said "class dismissed. Except you, Carl! I need to have a word with you."

He really got into it. I gave him a choice between classroom chores and detention. As he wiped down his desk and cleaned the chalkboard, I unbuttoned my blouse, took my hair down, and removed my glasses. He acted all surprised when he saw me. "Mrs. Miller, what are you doing?" "I've been watching you all year, Carl. I want you. I want you real bad." He said, "I knew it!" and then became more assertive, kind of switching the roles. When it was over, he asked how he did on his "oral exam." I gave him an A. You should have seen the pleased expression on his face when I handed him two gold stars. He just lit up. Ha.

Because the teacher fetish is so common, I don't consider him to be one of my freakiest clients. OK, it was kind of weird that he had his own desk, but not super crazy. Definitely a "what in the fuck?" though.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Spuff Mate Update

Last week was my first time ever doing a podcast or anything like that. I have a fear of public speaking, like many people have, but it isn't just about having people looking at me. It's knowing that more than three people can hear me at one time. But I've always been one to take my phobias on - I don't let anything control my life (why I refuse to smoke, drink, use drugs, or have toxic friends or relationships) - so when presented with the opportunity to do a small bit on a (what I thought was relatively small) podcast, I reluctantly accepted. I was every bit as nervous as I thought I would be. Did I suck? I've received several messages on Twitter saying I did great, but I'm not sure because I can't bring myself to listen to the damn thing. Any of it. Even the parts before and after my interview. I know, I know.

Last week Neal told me (during the podcast) that he wasn't sure that they would be able to have me back on this week (today.) Since I didn't hear from him all week and he hasn't mentioned it to his following on Twitter, I assumed that I was not going to be on. Then, yesterday, I got an email asking me if we were on for today. I was really surprised. So, apparently I did not suck or he wouldn't ask me back. Would advance notice and at least one little plug have been the nice and polite thing to do? Yes. But we're dealing with Neal Mayhem here. He doesn't do nice or polite. LOL

So, I hope y'all listen live today at between 10am and noon EST on The Spuff Mate Update with yours truly should be about one hour in. I'm not sure what he'll be asking me about this week, but there is quite a well to choose from as I have had one crazy fucking week! The main guest is the brilliant comedienne Shari Vanderwerf .

I hope y'all tune in, but if you miss it the download will be available sometime on Monday. :)

My ten freakiest clients to date, #5

I peed in a client's mouth this week.

He begged and pleaded with me; it was his greatest fantasy and blah blah blah. Sigh. I was tired and agreed to do it as long as he didn't utter another word. I'm pretty squeamish when it comes to bodily fluids so my bladder pretty much locked up on me. Now, usually I pee at least once an hour because I drink at least four liters of water a day. At least. My pee is completely clear, by the way (and odorless, which probably was a disappointment to the sick mutherfucker.) I highly recommend drinking lots of water and hot tea. Anyway, so there I was, standing over him, fingers parting my lips so as not to obstruct access to my urethra; him kneeling down on a towel in front of me with his mouth wide open. Imagine trying to relax in those circumstances. I'm used to sitting down to pee. I can't even hover; I have to carry Clorox wipes with me everywhere I go so I can sit my plump bottom down on a clean toilet. And now I'm supposed to pee standing up? Into this sick fuckos mouth? Ugh. It took me forever, but he eventually got a mouth full. Actually, most of it went in his mouth, but you know when people have a fetish they tend to get crazy with it. He made sure it flowed all down his chin and everything.

So *sexy right?! (*fucking disgusting)

I've peed on a guy before, but never into his mouth and all over his face like that and I still can't believe I did it.

I've worked as an escort/provider/hooker/whatever off and on for a number of years. My first go round only lasted a few months. I stopped for two years before having a second go round, which lasted six months. It was during that second go that a man offered me one thousand dollars to shit in his mouth. Prior to that, I had considered myself to be pretty sexually adventurous. Kinky, even. You may think that about yourself, too. Trust me when I tell you that whatever your most embarrassing fetish is, men out there pay for things far crazier. For one thing, they ask total strangers to shit in their mouths! I said no, of course. So then he sent me an email the following week asking me to shit on a plate and send it to him on a refrigerated truck. Fuck no and never contact me again! I was polite about it, but that was the message I hope he got. No way was the money worth having the knowledge that another human being consumed my shit filed in the back of my brain.

I just shivered.

One more thing about the piss drinker: he's a nurse practitioner! Why would someone working in the health care field want to drink piss? You never know about people.