Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My 10 freakiest clients to date: #4

The foot fetishists.

Not just the ones who think feet are pretty and may spend a few minutes stroking and admiring my feet or ask me to wear open-toed sandals or something. That isn't so freaky. Along those lines, I like bellies. I may want to rub a guy's pooch for a few minutes. While bellies aren't for everyone, I don't think just having an appreciation alone is enough to be considered a freak. Some may like big dicks or breasts or whatever. We all have our thing. And I put a lot of effort into having pretty feet so I don't mind a little flattery.

But some of you take it too far and it becomes really fucking weird.

  • Refusing to make an appointment with me until I describe my feet to you in detail while you breathe heavy and moan into the phone. I'm on to you fuckers. "My feet are nice and well-kept" is all you're ever getting out of me again!
  • Spending the entire hour kissing, smelling, licking, and finally fucking my feet.
  • Cumming on my feet, then licking it off.
  • Showing up with an electric foot spa, ready to give me a pedicure. Not that I don't appreciate the free pedi, but really? 
  • Taking pictures of my feet. (I shudder to think how many foot fetish site galleries I've contributed to.)
  • Paying me extra to get my feet as sweaty and stinky as possible for you.
  • Smelling my socks and shoes while masturbating.
  • Trying to steal my socks and shoes!
Yes, some fucker really did try to make it out the door with my socks and shoes.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

For the (non-squeamish) ladies who want to have un-messy sex while "Aunt Flo" is visiting

Someone asked me on Facebook if I ever started my period unexpectedly just before an appointment and if so how I handled the situation; if I told the client I could only do oral or if I just canceled the appointment altogether.

The answer is neither. There's actually a way around this problem and the man has no idea.

I remember tweeting about this some time ago, but I think I only had like ten followers at the time and they were all spambots except for one lovely woman called Pax (*waves at Pax from afar*.) In other words, nobody read. :( I'm glad to have the chance to talk about it again because many ladies may not know that there's a choice between being deprived of sex while at your absolute horniest (it's true!) or making a bloody mess of their partner's face and genitals (in addition to ruining all of your towels.)

This is an old escort trick, apparently. The first friend I ever made in the business shared this with me and all of the working girls I have ever known swear by it:
The natural sponge!
This works best for heavy flow days. Make sure the sponge is in sterile packaging, cut off a good-size chunk (bigger than you think you will need), moisten it by soaking with water and squeezing out the excess, and insert as far up your vagina as possible. The heavier your flow, the more sponge you will need. Just before sex, excuse yourself to the restroom to remove your tampon and insert the sponge, then wash up good. Return to the bedroom and have amazing, blood-free, odor-free sex! He won't feel it. And don't worry it can't get lost up there; it won't. Although, there was one time I had to sit on the toilet, apply lubrication, and push the darn thing out. A friend had to help me. It was not pleasant. We got it out though. :) I know, that doesn't exactly sell it. lol That was just a one time thing. Usually it's just fine and it's very well worth it. I love the natural sponge.

My favorite thing to use though, is this:
The Instead Softcup
Here is a picture of the box:

This product is absolutely awesome, but it is only suitable to wear during sex on medium to light flow days. Follow the instructions on the box, but also try putting a dab of lubrication on the edge and on the opening of your vagina. Also, the first few times you remove your cup, squat and do it in the bathtub because it is M-E-S-S-Y! Your tub will look like an over-the-top murder scene from a B-movie and I am not exaggerating. Only at first though. After you get used to it and gain some skills, you'll be able to remove it on the toilet and transfer it to the sink for rinsing without spilling a drop. And you definitely want to rinse it before disposal. It holds a lot of blood and throwing that in your trash basket would just be gross.

I still have a hard time believing that men can't feel the cup, but I've asked a few clients if they could feel my "diaphragm" and all of them, even the very well-endowed client, said no. (Pretending it was a diaphragm was just easier and that's exactly what I'll claim it is if a client ever does feel it.)

Both the sponge and the Softcups are available at most drug stores and larger stores like Target.