Monday, April 9, 2012

Clients, if you should happen to spot me at the emergency room

And I'm with an obviously sick relative, and surrounded by other family members: don't fucking know me!

Don't follow me around, gawking. And for crying out loud, stop trying to make eye contact with me. What is wrong with you? RUDE!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

How much to tip your escort

Not very often, but occasionally I do check the stats on my blog. I didn't used to -- I didn't want to be depressed by too few readers or intimidated by having many. But when I decided to allow comments, I thought it would be interesting to see where they are coming from, as well as the keywords used to find this blog in the first place. And it has been interesting indeed. Some of the keywords or phrases are hilarious, some just plain wrong, but then some of these search phrases are actually very practical questions and have helped me see what people most want to know about. I think it would be kind of fun to turn this into a series of some sort -- like every so often answer another common question or talk about the most popular subject.

"How much to tip your escort" is by far the most common (practical) query that leads people to this blog. The problem with tackling this subject is that there is no one right answer.

You can always flat-out ask the provider what is satisfactory, but be careful to not suggest the tip is payment for extra services or they may think you are LE trying to entrap them. Even though, but not always, a tip generally does entitle you to extra service, the provider won't give details about how much more extra services will cost you until after your session has begun and you have paid your base donation and gotten yourself "comfortable" -- in other words, until after they are certain you are a legitimate client.

This is my recommendation: (and if any other providers out there find this post and have something extra to contribute, I more than welcome your input in the comments) Bring double the agreed-upon donation to your appointment. Give her the base fee immediately. (I can't stress this enough -- don't haggle or ask what you're getting. You made the appointment, she got herself ready for you and maybe even paid for a hotel room, just give her the fee. Place it somewhere where she can see it and do not discuss it at all.) If she expects an extra donation for extra services, she'll let you know as soon as she is comfortable doing so. Some escorts charge a lower base fee and require more money for sexy time, others (like me) charge a little more up front and include release in the session. Some charge a very high fee and also charge for extras, while others (usually crackheads) charge next to nothing and couldn't care less about a tip, they're just trying to get you out the door with as little effort and time spent possible so they can get their rock. Stay away from those girls! Ha. What I'm saying is that all providers are different; what's included in the session and what is extra depends completely upon the escort and what she is comfortable doing. I knew one girl who loved it up the ass so much she included it with her base fee, but then charged double for vaginal sex. You never know.

Whatever happens, if your provider gives you good quality service, she deserves to be rewarded. Make sure to give her at least a 40% gratuity, either by way of negotiating for extras or just handing it to her as you leave to let her know you appreciate her effort. This is how you get good referrals, fellas, not to mention good karma. This is a luxury service, after all. ;)

Monday, March 5, 2012

On the follow back

A fellow blogger got their panties in a bunch because I didn't follow them back within two days.

The funny thing is though, that I actually was following him, just not publicly. I used to follow blogs through Blogger, but I've just found it easier to subscribe via RSS feed in Google Reader.

So, if you've followed my blog and think I'm not following you back, it's possible I am, just not using the public widget. Another thing to consider is the blogosphere is just as small as it is huge and I may already be following you with my real account.

Or it could be that I'm indeed not following you back. If that's the case, please don't take it personally. Maybe your blog is full of erotica that isn't my cup of tea. That doesn't mean that I don't like you as a person or that I don't appreciate you following me. I appreciate every person who takes time out of their busy schedule to read anything I have written. I sincerely do. I promised myself when I started this, however, that I wasn't going to fill my dash with content that I don't love just to make other people happy. I don't follow blogs and leave comments for the purpose of promoting myself -- in fact, I've only left two comments total since starting this blog almost two years ago -- if I follow someone, it's because their content appeals to me, period.

I appreciate and want to thank every single person who is reading my blog, whether you follow publicly, anonymously, or whatever. It makes me feel good that you are interested in what I have to say and are not just following because you want me to follow you back.

Having said all that, if you want me to follow you back, just ask and I probably will.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

It's a job, not a lifestyle (response to Curious Girl)

This comment was in my in-box this morning:

"Hey Tell All,

i am a 20-something year old interested in entering "the lifestyle". I came across your blog from happyendingz actually,but I feel like you are more of a person I can relate to/get advice from. I'm about to graduate from college and am living in a major city on the east coast.

I currently am a student and work part-time in the restaurant industry. I have seriously considered entering the lifestyle but honestly don't know anyone to talk to about it. I am really interested in talking to you more. Obviously, this is a total long shot as you have no idea who I am/I am have no idea who you are. Like I said, I am just looking for someone for advice/that I can talk to. My email address that I made is [REDACTED.]

I hope to hear from you!

Curious Girl"

Wow. Where to begin. First of all, why in the hell would you want to do this after graduating from college? I'm trying to get my degree right now, having to take two courses at a time while taking care of a family and household while working a normal job (just to keep my sanity) plus escorting two days a week, and I assure you that as soon as I graduate and get a job that will actually pay my bills, I will run as far away from this profession as I possibly can and never look back. It's not glamourous. Sure, it's entertaining at times and I have some regular clients that I don't mind seeing, but having to lie to my friends and family and constantly keeping my guard up is not exactly conducive to healthy, deep relationships. I don't recommend it.

If you really want the experience of it and have made your mind up, the best advice I can give you is to treat it like a job. It's not a "lifestyle." I've seen girls make escorting their life; it ruined all of them.

Another girl (I presume a girl, anyway) wrote to me last year asking about becoming an escort. You can read my response here.

I'm sorry but I can't email you because I don't want to help anyone become an escort, but I sincerely wish you all the best. Please be careful and don't be a stranger on the blog. Your comments are welcome anytime. XO

ETA: This is the Happyendingz she is referring to. It's the blog of an erotic masseuse. I've been reading CJ for the past year or so -- you might enjoy her, too.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Men, I know I've said this before, but I must say it again:

Don't ask a provider a bunch of incriminating questions on the telephone before your appointment.

I get that you're looking for some sort of guarantee that you're going to get fucked, but you have to accept that this business is a crap shoot. No legitimate provider is going to agree to fuck you for money on the phone or even in person. You have to remember: it's most often the verbal solicitation that is illegal and not the act.

If you pay a woman who has posted an ad in the adult services section of a hobbyist/provider website, you can pretty much be certain you will be gratified sexually one way or the other. She may give you a naked massage or you may get the whole enchilada. But she's not going to talk about it until she's 100% certain you are a legitimate paying client with no affiliations with law enforcement. And that's just the way it is.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Inflatable Butt Plug

Excuse me, I mean The Vibrating Butt Balloon. (I've never bought anything from that particular store so I'm not endorsing them or working for them in any way, though I'm sure it's a fine place to shop.) (By the way, good call on featuring a lovely woman on the cover of the box instead of who I know really uses these things: stinky fatasses with names like Buck, Chuck, and Bud.)

Since my surgery last year, I haven't been having vaginal sex with clients. I just haven't wanted to. Instead, I've been doing sensual massage (with happy endings, of course) and have lately been catering more and more to fetishes; particularly domination.

The problem is that most of my domination clients are either married or in a situation where they can't have their toys at home. So, I've been keeping them at my house. Under my bed, to be exact. Each client has his own labeled Rubbermaid box and all of the labeled Rubbermaid boxes are in another box, which is tightly sealed and labeled "knitting stuff" because nobody in my house has any interest in knitting. It does concern me though. What if I die? I can see it now: my kids or (even worse) my father, a few weeks after the funeral, finally going through the contents of my bedroom and looking under the bed (hopefully taking a moment to admire my organizational skills), pulling out boxes and seeing one labeled "knitting." "I wonder what projects she was working on?" they might ask themselves. And then they open the box and ARE HORRIFIED!

I have to get a storage unit. It seems a waste of space to get a whole storage unit for five boxes of toys though. Maybe a locker somewhere? What to do.

Anyway, this toy seems to give my clients a lot of pleasure, though it does not produce very pleasant odors upon deflation. I ask them to use an enema before we begin. It helps, but it's still stinky. I have to turn my head away and have even considered using a mask.

I bring this up because I have a noon appointment with a regular who is bringing this specific model to try. Oh goody.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Reactivating Twitter

Why not.

I miss having a place to put my quick thoughts about clients and other issues. It will also be helpful to notify people who don't have Blogger or Google Readers of my new posts, since I don't update as frequently as other bloggers.

My username is @tellallescort if you'd like to follow me. If you send me an @ reply letting me know you found me from my blog, I'll be happy to follow you back. Accounts like mine tend to get spammed to death so I don't usually follow back unless you talk to me so I know you're a real person. :)

Also, feel free to @ reply your questions to me there (or ask in the comments here) and I'll answer you right here on my blog. XO

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

No, you do not get a discount for being a "regular"

The fucking nerve.

Hey, I think I'll ask my local grocer to give me a discount for buying all of my groceries at their store and then get really shitty when they tell me no.

Look, you jerks, clients are plentiful. If I don't see you I will see someone else who pays my full rate. Plus, they will likely tip me. Cheapskates who ask for discounts don't usually tip.

Do you think I do this just for fun? I have bills to pay. You don't know my financial situation. Don't be a cheap dick.


I've decided to go ahead and allow them.

However, there will be a few rules. Just to keep from happening to me what I have seen happen to other sex workers with blogs.

  1. Comments will be moderated. Spam and anything that is rude, nasty/mean-spirited will not be published.
  2. You must be a registered user, either open-id or Google is fine, but there will be no anonymous comments. Not that you can't create some bullshit account, but I like to be able to attach a name to the comment. It helps build somewhat of a rapport if you comment more than once and there's also at least some sense of accountability. Besides, anonymous commenting is for pussies.
  3. I will wait to publish your comment when I have time to respond because it's rude to not acknowledge someone who takes their valuable time to comment.

I don't have that many followers -- and I post so infrequently -- so I don't expect an avalanche of response or anything, but I just thought it would be nice to hear from y'all.

Bravo, my sister!

Today, another working girl was called to a hotel where she was met by a very-strung out couple. They had a toddler with them, dressed only in a wet, saggy diaper. It is around 30 degrees here. The girl turned down the appointment immediately, left and called 911 from her car. She could have just called in some anonymous tip, but instead decided to stick around and wait for the officers so she could give a full account of what she witnessed. She wanted to make sure that something was done, even if it meant her admitting to officers of the law that she was a sex worker and had accepted a solicitation.

Given a choice between saving your own ass and protecting the health and well-being of an innocent, defenseless child is no choice at all. Right is right. Let the chips fall where they may.

She isn't the first girl I know of who risked her neck to report child neglect -- most of the women I know in this field are good, decent people.

By the way, the officers thanked her for the tip and let her go on her merry way. Yay them.